Emotional Freedom at Work
Devan Bailey offers knowledge and practices to people who want to live their lives fully, thrive creatively, achieve their maximum potential and have the life they really want. He spent 13 years in the corporate consulting world before striking out on his own as a personal development coach. He’s most passionate about emotional freedom, which enables us to be at our best while managing our emotional state. He’s the author of the book, HOW TO ESCAPE FROM PRISON: Emotional Freedom Doesn’t Just Happen – It’s Claimed. Here’s How.
Carlos: So Devan, tell me a little about emotional freedom.
Devan: I don’t love the term, “nervous breakdown”, but a brutal experience led me to an extreme physiological response to prolonged psychological pain. It was a complete meltdown and it destroyed everything I held dear in my life – my pride, my reputation, how people around me saw me in the workplace, and gave me what I see now as a wonderful opportunity to start again. I realized that how I was feeling had nothing to do with the facts and circumstances of my life. I didn’t realize it 6 or 7 years ago, but now I know that how we feel has nothing to do with what is going on around us. It has everything to do with our thoughts about what’s going on around us. That is at the heart of what I now lovingly refer to as emotional freedom: the ability to cultivate the emotions you want irrespective of what’s happening. If your emotional state is dependent on what’s happening in your life, you’re probably on the wrong planet. If I want everyone and everything to be just so in order for me to feel good, it is not a sustainable strategy.
What’s the right role for our emotions?
Carlos: So, if emotions are not necessarily a result of what’s going on around us, and emotions have an important place in our lives, can you explain where the right place for those emotions is?
Devan: Let’s not relegate them someplace, or ignore them. In fact I feel more deeply now than I ever did before because of this path of enlightenment we are on, or maybe it’s my meditation practice. I think our emotions are the most amazing guidance ever: if you feel shitty, it means you’re thinking something shitty.
I think the place for emotions is two-fold: one is a guidance system so that you know when it’s time to clean up your thinking. If you’re feeling a negative emotion like embarrassment, anger, resentment, frustration, irritation, they all feel bad, don’t they? So really there are only 2 emotions: one feels good, one feels bad: there are just lots of names for them. If you’re feeling bad, you know that you’re focused on something negative, fearful, lacking, contracted. So, it’s time for you to reassess and ask different questions. That’s number one: knowing that you alone have the power to determine what something means.
The second one is it’s a reminder for you to intervene consciously, because so many of the emotions that we experience are just patterns. We are triggered by something. Example: Someone cuts you off in traffic. It happens a lot in New Jersey. In fact In New Jersey they should probably make cars without turn signals because no one uses them. So, when you get cut off in traffic, your response is anger/frustration. Well, you don’t know what that person is going through. You don’t know that they meant to do it. I’m pretty sure they didn’t wake up that morning with the intention of seeking you out on whatever highway to irritate you. Sometimes it feels like they did, but my point is a lot of it is unconscious: you’re triggered and tricked by certain events that just fire off a pattern, a programmed response in your brain.
So that negative sensation you’re feeling is an alarm bell to say, “Hey Carlos, it’s time for you to intervene and consciously decide to feel something different so you can feel better.”
Sense memory: a strategy for change
Carlos: We’ve been focusing on the negative, bad feelings. When I hold my grandchild in my arms, and she smiles up at me or cuddles into my shoulder, I feel good. Should I be doing something with that, or should I just languish, just dwell in that moment of bliss? I’m starting to feel like my emotions are this tool I have to use all the time.
Devan: What a beautiful question. So, languish in it, enjoy it, soak it up, absorb it, don’t do anything different. Maybe take a note, in that moment, of 3 things: what it is that you’re paying attention to, the kinds of words that you’re saying to yourself in your head, and what you’re doing with your body. Those are the 3 elements that trigger an emotional pattern. You can actually replicate that strategy again in the future. If you want to remember that feeling, you can replicate those three things even in the absence of your granddaughter and feel the same way. So, if you wanted to do anything, it would be to enjoy it and maybe make a note of the strategy so you could feel it again.
I call these 3 things the “meaning makers” because our brains are meaning-making machines. Anything happens, our brains just have to know what it means. There are 3 levers we can pull to shape that meaning to be something empowering vs something disempowering. Those 3 things are:
Attention – what are you paying attention to in that moment?
Expression – how are you articulating, mostly in our heads but sometimes aloud?
Position – what are you doing with your body?
For example, if you were feeling a sense of contraction or lacking or depression, chances are you’re probably not jumping up and down. Maybe you’ve sat in a chair, your eyes are drawn, you’re looking over. The position our body physiologically takes powerfully informs our psychology.
The importance of negative feelings
Carlos: I will admit to being a little disingenuous in my line of questioning. In my first book, Lessons From Mars, I write about our feelings being our own. I do it in the context of conflict. So, “This guy Devan, he’s such an irritating so-and-so.” And I attempt to put the cause of my feelings onto you, “The way I feel is because of you.” And I come right out and say the only one who owns or controls our feelings is ourselves. It’s up to us, therefore, to do something with them. I’m completely on board with the idea that my feelings are mine.
In fact, in my trade, Organizational Development, we talk about use of self. What that means is, as a consultant watching a group go through a process, I was trained to pay attention to what I was feeling as I watched this group, as I paid attention and as I listened. To note what those sensations were, and to ask myself what those mean, what might those sensations be suggesting about what’s happening in this group? I was playing the devil’s advocate there – thank you for bearing with me.
Devan: Thank you for that. And your point about why we naturally gravitated towards what we can do to overcome the negative as opposed to how we can promote the positive, I love your bringing that up. Unfortunately, the reason why I tend to focus on helping people overcome the negative is because for most people, that is their emotional home. They deal with stress response, negativity. I think for the most part people have a harder time dealing with their negative response than enjoying the good ones.
None of us need a reason to feel bad, but we do need a reason to feel good. A silly example: you go into work one day and you see Joe Blogs, and he’s grumpy. He’s moping around. You say, “Oh, no, Joe - what happened? Did you get some bad news?” and he’s like, “No. I just hate Wednesdays.” You might say, “Oh, I know, man. But it’s hump day. It’ll be Friday soon.” It’s completely fine that he feels that way for no apparent reason.
Now you imagine you come in, and you bump into Joe Blogs, and he’s humming a tune to himself, he’s smiling, doing a little dance at the photocopier, and you say, “Joe, what happened, dude? Did you get some good news?” and he says, ‘Nope! I just feel great today.” You would think he was crazy, wouldn’t you? Because no one needs a reason to feel bad, but they do need a reason to feel good. I love that you called me out on it. That’s why I naturally tend towards the negative emotions rather than starting at watering the roses.
Worry as an evolutionary advantage
Carlos: My wife will tell you I always focus on the negative, what’s wrong in the world – I’m always looking for what needs fixing. It’s been a life’s journey learning how to value and appreciate what’s working already and what doesn’t need intervention, and the power of appreciation to reinforce what’s good. I completely understand the tendency to default to the “what’s wrong” or the negative.
Devan: I think that’s a gift for all of us though, buddy, because it means that you are solving important problems and you’re helping communities, and mankind at large because you are turning your ship into the storm. I would say for the everyday person who is struggling, the reason perhaps is because most of us haven’t trained our minds. Our brains are programmed over tens and thousands of years to focus on what’s wrong. It’s part of our ancient survival software. If left unattended of course the mind is going to find what’s going to kill you. It’s always looking for the saber-toothed tiger. I think your situation is a little different in as much as you’re doing it from a place of conscious awareness. Doing it from a place of abundance rather than scarcity to try and zoom in and solve a problem. Your state is an elevated state. You’re just trying to help others as opposed to being at the mercy of what’s going on around you.
Carlos: That’s very kind of you to say, Devan, thank you. This idea has come up a few times in this series, this idea that worry confers an evolutionary advantage. And, at the same time, emotional freedom depends on our identifying when that worrying comes up because there are times, I think, when a few moments of concern are completely justifiable, and other times when we are spiraling, producing no good outcomes, no good feelings.
Emotionality at the office
I know you work with leaders in the business world. One of the observations I’ve had in my 35 years of work is that leaders tend not to show very much emotion. One of my challenges is I’m this outgoing, emotionally expressive person. My clients tend to be more contained. In the worst cases we are speaking different languages almost. And when I’m trying to build my business and win over a new client, my emotional expressiveness can be off-putting to those who are studied in their control of their emotions. Are you seeing a similar thing at all?
Devan: One hundred percent. I could not have described it better. And the challenge I would put to these individuals is, “How’s that working out for you? Keeping it all in, keeping it all buckled up, putting on a brave face when actually you want to express yourself in a different way.” For many of my clients it’s resulting in a lot of anxiety and stress disorders, and a lot of difficult conversations, dysfunctional relationships at work and outside of work. So yes, I experience it in a very similar way. A lot of what we’re talking about today and the tone in which we’re discussing this subject matter, a lot of traditional leaders in the world see this as hippy-dippy, woo-woo BS. I don’t know if we’re going to overcome that because it’s new. This stuff hasn’t been taught in schools. You’re not taught, as a kid, to honor your feelings and to communicate with impact and empathy, you’re told to hide your weaknesses. Pretend that there’s nothing wrong. To fix your weaknesses. To never be seen to be wrong. To not make mistakes. You’re not taught to be an authentic human. You’re taught to be in-human, at least I was.
Emotional honesty vs emotional volatility
Carlos: I had a boss at IBM who had what I call emotional storms. I was intimidated. I was not impressed with her vulnerability. I was scared. She controlled my fate, and there she was, just going off. How can leaders gage their emotions, temper them so that they’re not over the top in some way that would hurt or intimidate their people, and still be genuine and authentic emotionally?
Devan: Great question. I think we should clarify what you and I mean by emotion or emotional because what I’m not advocating is for people to fly off the handle and be emotional in a meeting. What I mean is being authentic. From my perspective, 2 words are really important: Calm and measured. For me that is the barometer even if there’s a storm brewing inside; I am going to find a way to communicate in a calm and measured fashion. It’s not about unleashing and being hysterical in a meeting because that’s how you feel, I’m saying take control. Be in command. Be calm and measured and communicate with impact and empathy.
That’s what I mean about letting your emotions out. To actually say, “I’m afraid, too. I’m not entirely sure what the outcome is, I feel what you’re feeling.” This is what I propose we do. All those in favor say aye. That’s a way of being softly vulnerable and authentic, as opposed to how many leaders will show up with frustration, irritation, anger and forcefulness. They’re actually trying to combat how they feel on the inside. So, I don’t think it’s about being emotional, it’s about having practices in place that enable you to be calm and measured in the moments that matter so that you can communicate in that way.
Emotional control practices
Carlos: You used a word I love: practices. Practices are great because they’re tangible, they’re concrete. We can describe them and say, “Here, here’s a practice. Do that.” What are those practices and how would you suggest folks think about them?
Devan: Number one is meditation. Just go find yourself a teacher. Someone that you resonate with. You don’t have to sit in a cave of nothingness to meditate – there are modern practices that work. To this day, the most transformative thing I’ve brought into my life. I meditate twice a day for 15 minutes, non-negotiable. It makes you an emotional ninja. I can think of countless times where there’s been a storm going on and I felt myself dissociate from the experience. I sat back in this seat of consciousness seeing everything play out in front of me, and I came up with these wonderful solutions and suggestions.
You’re in the midst of an argument, you’re really frustrated and can’t get your words out. Then 20 minutes later, you’ve calmed down and come up with some witty comment that would have been hilarious in the moment. Meditation enables me to not necessarily be the witty person, but be the calm and measured person actually in the storm as opposed to 20 minutes later.
The second practice is to start your day with space. How many people, especially in business, start their day with their phone straight in their face? Emails, texts, demands, news, pressure, stress. Your first waking moment is spent consuming shit from the world around you. I highly recommend we don’t do that. You just wake up 15-20 minutes before everyone else in the household, and you go take some time for yourself. I wake up, take my dogs for a walk, I have some lemon and water which helps alkalize the body, I stand outside, I look up at the sky, I do a little gratitude practice, I do my morning meditation, and then I read something thoughtful, meaningful, faithful to tune my brain to say “This is our intention for the day, Devan. It’s to be this guy.”
It seems small, it’s just 20-25 minutes in my day that without it leaves me starting my day on the back foot, I’m starting at the bottom rolling the boulder uphill. I want to set myself up for success. That’s how I start my day.
Two additional practices managing emotions
Carlos: Any practices for a mid-level manager struggling with hard times?
Devan: Ok 2 more practices that, by the way, aren’t easy:
First, this is a habit I call “Challenging Your Thinking.” It may take days or even weeks, but from moment-to-moment be consciously aware of when you feel stress, discord, pressure or discomfort of any kind. In that moment you know you are feeling something shitty. You know you are, that’s why you feel that way. When you feel that way, immediately ask the question, “Is that true? Definitely? It Joe really going to say that? Is it really going to take longer than we think? Is there something else happening here? What else could this mean?” Ask a better question, get a better answer. Moment-to-moment challenging your thinking to get to a better question. Meditation can help put a healthy space between you and your thoughts, and help with this practice.
Second, the Power of Physiology. Before this podcast, I went for a power walk and listened to energizing music so you could have the energetic me. Which version of me do you want to call:
The one who's tired, a little bit sore from the gym, who's got some concerns about how to move something forward with the business?
Or who's calm, measured, comfortable and enjoying himself?
Which one do you want? Hopefully, the second. Lots of people say you have to exercise every day. And of course, I'm going to advocate that for health reasons, but I'm talking about very short physical practices.
Managing your emotional self so you can be the best version of yourself
Here’s a quick story to explain this. I recall a big conversation I had with my superiors, extremely senior individuals within the largest professional services firm on the planet. It was when I broke the news that I was leaving to go do my own thing. This was the conversation, what stood between me and my future; me and my mission; me and my reputation - I imagined ridicule and embarrassment. It was THE conversation. About three minutes before the conversation I was terrified. Fear just takes over thoughts of what's going to happen. It’s somehow going to stop me. I'm going to be ridiculed. There's going to be financial consequences. Just all this nonsense comes up. And I decided, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not the guy I want going into the meeting, being on the backfoot, apologetic, asking for permission. I want the guy who's calm and measured and centered. So I found myself a little office. And thankfully, it had smoked glass doors and a lock. I shut the door. I locked it, I put my headphones in, and I jumped up and down like a hooligan to one of my favorite dance tracks for about 90 seconds. Big old smile on my face. I felt like I was at some rock concert, and I felt incredible.
I took my headphones out, I turned my phone off. I unlocked the door, I opened it, I walked into the meeting, would you like to know how that meeting went?
Amazingly.
They were supportive. They were thoughtful. I was kind, I was assertive, I brought certainty to it. They totally understood where I was coming from. They were incredibly kind. They even said the door's always open, you can come back whenever you want. At one point, a partner actually sat down and basically said she admired me for what I was doing and kind of wished one day that she had done that. Do you think it would have gone that way if the scared, wussy version showed up? Maybe. Maybe not.
So I think my point is this: managing our emotional state is not going to get rid of the problems, it's not going to cure a health crisis, in the moment it is not going to mean that the global pandemic is a thing of the past, it isn't going to mean that someone isn't going to get rid of that mean thing that someone said about you, it isn't going to suddenly get rid of imposter syndrome and all your fears. It's not. it's just not. I'm not going to sit here saying life suddenly becomes easy.
It is however, going to make you infinitely more likely to take the actions necessary to overcome those challenges if you are in that state, versus the contracted one. So for your sweet, thoughtful, eternally optimistic manager when she's about to walk into one of these tough meetings, if she could just take 30 seconds, 45 seconds to “pump herself up,” the better version of her shows up and things go better.
Applying these practices to teams or clients
Carlos: You do a lot of work with leaders. Do you ever work with leaders and their teams in this space?
Devan: Yes, I do a workshop, though less frequently, when leaders ask me to do this with a wider group.
Carlos: Any last thoughts for early-to-mid career team members about emotional freedom and how it will enhance their work with others, and their happiness at work?
Devan: I would say it starts with you. I'm going to lean on your comment about your emotions being your own. I'm not trying to paint a picture of some utopia where everyone is floating around the office like a bliss bunny. I honestly don't think that future exists. I think these companies that we work with are big and important and profit-oriented and trying to solve problems. It isn't a stress-free, demand-free environment and that's not the future we're trying to create.
I believe we're trying to create a future where people in these positions of authority and people in these teams with lots of demands on them are equipped with the knowledge and practices necessary to handle that demand. So, what I would say to dovetail that with emotional freedom is, be consciously aware of what's happening between your ears. Just know that when you feel bad, it's because you're focused on something bad. It may or may not be true, but have the intellect, have the consciousness to question it and think about it. Because even if it's a 2mm shift, even if it's a one degree rotation upwards over a period of time, your general state of emotional wellness will be unrecognizable. If one in five terrible thoughts you have you are able to squash and replace with a good and positive one, then a week from now, a month from now, six months from now, a year from now, you will be an unrecognizable person.
Engagement starts within
Carlos: A lot of people and organizations in the past 20 years have put money and time into engagement and engagement surveys. I don’t think I’ve seen one survey that asks, “On a one to five scale, where one is ‘strongly disagree’ and five is ‘strongly agree,’ I have a meditation practice.” Or, “I take time to jump up and down and listen to uplifting music.” Almost every one of these surveys are about what’s happening around you. “My boss values my opinion.” “I have a friend at work.” “I’m getting sufficient development.”
I wonder if we aren’t missing the boat here because what I think I hear you saying is – are you ready? - this could be a t-shirt – “Engagement Starts Within.”
Devan: Oh, it does. I love it. I could not have described that better. And let's think about this. Our strategy is that how we feel and how we're going to show up and how we're going to act is dependent upon being praised by someone liking the project I'm doing, by getting a pat on the back. I'm sorry, brother, that's not a good strategy. There's some hypocrisy in my voice because obviously, I'm human. We both are. And I get triggered. And I have down days. I was really struggling a few days ago with a particular issue. And it took me a couple of hours to get out of the funk. Normally, I get myself 90 seconds. So we're all human. We're all going to get sucked in. But the point is, I know that it starts with me. it has to. I can't wait for someone or something to happen. I could sit here forever, miserable, waiting for it. I lead the charge. I have to otherwise I'm never going to be able to control my emotional state.
Expand your emotional vocabulary
Carlos: I think the whole idea of “Engagement begins within” has potential to change a lot, including how we train our leaders and managers, and how they work with their teams. I have struggled with the managers I’ve worked with over the years who are emotionally contained, who lack an emotional vocabulary. Most people I’ve worked with use only 2 or 3 words to describe their emotions. They’ll never say they’re angry or sad. They’re frustrated or they’re delighted.
Devan: One of the meaning makers is how you express it in your head. For example, you talked about asking people,” Were you angry? Were you pissed off?” And they'll say, “I was kind of frustrated.” They're saying frustrated out loud, they're saying angry, they're saying bad things about you in their head which is shaping the experience they're having and shaping the meaning they attach to you. So I agree. If we had a better vocabulary and there was something in between angry and frustrated and you could genuinely use that word, it might bring you down slightly, maybe not as far down as frustrated, but down from angry.
Carlos: Once we move the emotion from the amygdala up into the prefrontal cortex, we’ve stripped it from some of its power because we’ve named it.
The power of language: your inner voice can drive your emotions
Devan: I’d like to share another story about the power of language. I realized not that long ago that I don’t like getting cut off in traffic and that it triggered me, and that’s unacceptable. If I teach this stuff, I’ve got to be able to apply it to myself, so I decided to home in on language. I realized that when I was being cut off in traffic, I realized that sense of anger and frustration within me. That wasn’t the only emotion I was feeling. It was also because of how I was describing it in my head. I asked myself, what are the words I’m using? And words like, “disrespect”; “unthinking”; “danger”; all those words came out and they really fueled the sense of anger and frustration and resentment for the other person. Then I thought to myself, we know how powerful language is. It’s shaped our world. And if there isn’t a word for something, you can’t feel it or see it. You have to name it. And I asked myself, what other words came out when it happened? I recalled a specific instance when someone cut me off at the traffic light, which resulted in me catching a red light. It was the word, “sneaky”.
It was really quiet, it was way down the list after all the other bad words, but “sneaky” was in there. Do you know what happened when I said that word? I smiled! It’s kind of sneaky when someone nips in front of you! It might be dangerous, disrespectful, dishonorable, but it’s also sneaky.
So, because life/the universe/God/whatever you believe in is never short of opportunities, the very next day it happened again right in front of me. Couldn’t be more dangerous. I almost hit this person, so I dialed up the word “sneaky” in my head and instead of getting angry do you know what happened? I laughed out loud.
That is how easy it is to change an experience: I just messed around with the words!
Carlos: Well, that is certainly a testimony to the power of language and, once we take control of our thought processes rather than letting them control us, what’s possible. Even if it’s something as minor as laughing instead of screaming, if we practice it enough, life changes. We get happier and the world seems like a better place.
Thank you very much, this went places I couldn’t have anticipated and thank you for playing along!
Devan: Can I just say, Carlos seriously, I love what you do, I appreciate you as a friend and a peer in this industry, and I honor you for all the work you’re doing, your passion, your relentless desire to solve problems. Keep up the good work!
Carlos: Thank you, Devan. To my brilliant listeners (and readers), I’ll see you on my next episode. Take care!
Connect with Devan. Visit his website, https://www.shapingreality.com